Over the past few weeks, I have been in an intense and constant battle with my porn addiction. I have relapsed several times, and I'm finding it extremely hard to control myself, even when I know I'm about to do something I'll regret. I think self-control is one of the main problems that many guys struggle with when trying to cut pornography. One moment you're fine and on the right track, the next moment you're spiraling out of control and trying to hold yourself back from committing a regretful deed.
I can actually recall a specific porn relapse that I had a few days ago, which I concluded was the result of feelings of loneliness and guilt. When these emotions kick in, I have a really hard time controlling myself. I start blaming others for my depression as well as blaming myself, and I give up hope for improving my life, and eventually just give in to my porn addiction weakness. I know that I will feel better for at least an hour or 2 after I masturbate to porn and orgasm, so this is what ultimately leads me to relapse.
I also often find myself edging without even knowing how I started in the first place. It really does happen so fast. I read a theory on how our brain has 2 mechanisms. The first 1 is often referred to as our "old brain", "Reptile Brain", and the second mechanism is referred to as the new brain. The Reptile Brain is highly impulsive and quick thinking. It does exactly what it thinks it needs to do in order to survive, and it does it quickly, and without much thought process. This is the mechanism of our brain that I think is responsible for porn addiction. The new brain mechanism is the more spiritually enlightened side of our brain. It allows us to think in more creative and abstract ways, instead of acting on impulse. It also helps keep our Reptile brain in check, by determining the pros and cons of the decisions we need to make.
My goal for the next few weeks is to try to be more in touch with the more spiritually enlightened aspect of my mind. When an impulse comes, I will acknowledge it, but I will not let it dictate my thoughts and decisions. This is the only way I'm going to free myself from this addiction.
